| Disdain Management would like to take this opportunity to reiterate its long standing policy of disdain and contempt for its employees. In recent months this policy may have become suspect, due to several unintentionally employee-friendly events such as the Company Picnic, Bowling Night, and Work-Free Weekends. You can rest assured, in the coming weeks and months Management will strive to make its deep, ingrained contempt for its employees obvious. Beginning Monday the following policies will go into effect, thus strengthening our resolve to remain the leaders in corporate snobbery, elitism, and cruelty: 1. Executives will snub their noses at employees, and will occasionally even trip them in the hallways. 2. The employee elevator will be programmed to operate at one tenth the speed of the Executive elevator, and will breakdown completely an average of 4 times a week. 3. Executives will carry large, tropical cocktails at all times, and will sip from them while making sounds of enjoyment such as, but not limited to, "Mmmm!" 4. The coffee machine in the employee breakroom will be permanently replaced by a sign that says "Soon To Come - Employee Coffee Machine!" 5. Random employees will be "roasted" on a daily basis in the cafeteria by celebrity comedians. 6. Random employees will be roasted on a daily basis in the cafeteria, and served to the celebrity comedians. 7. Executives will spend at least 15 minutes each day doing nothing but running up to employees' computers and shutting them off without warning, then turning them back on and screaming "Whoops! Power Surge!" 8. The toilets in the employee restrooms will be replaced by uneven stacks of old, dusty books. 9. The old, dusty books in the employee restrooms will all be in Japanese. 10. The day "Saturday" will be removed from employee schedules, and replaced by a new day: "Wednesday Two". 11. At 4:59 pm, all employee clocks will stop for 1 hour. If there are any comments regarding these new company policies, please write them on a slip of paper and place them in the new suggestion boxes, located in any office trash receptacle.
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